My friends and I are on our way back home, I call his cousin, who did call while we were at the bus station- and I played the part well. She's asking me if he's on the bus, I'm replying with "I can come over and take care of that on uh, Thursday work for you?"
She's not stupid, she takes the hint. I return her call as soon as we are back in the car, inform her how things went and that yes, he's on that bus. We project the idea he could change buses in Chicago and head back to Albuquerque, but whatever he does now is not my problem and she in complete agreement. We decide to keep in touch and I'll keep her informed if anything interesting occurs. And it does stay a bit interesting.
Dan is scheduled to arrive in NYC on the next day, at 11:25am. I'm just hoping that he stays on that bus.
I'm wiped out, I'm literally coming down from an emotionally stressful "trip" of 5 long days of hearing nothing but deluded garbage, observing some really odd behavior, watching someone who can't handle being left alone for any length of time, as he slowly starts coming apart at the seams.
I've also had to examine my own motives and what led up to this experience- which led right back to Altruism and my own need for a sense of accomplishment or feeling good about "giving back", which would have never amounted to anything close to what my intentions truly were. Yes, I spent a terrible amount of time beating myself up, feeling ashamed- for bringing this situation to my life, home, family and community. The lesson was invaluable and I won't repeat anything like that ever again.
Listening to someone consistently contradicting their own values and ideas was a huge drain on my own energy. I have a farily decent memory of the past and don't appreciate someone telling me they remember something that I did that never occurred. I find that exceptionally unacceptable. I had a mother that pulled the same garbage on me most of my adult life and I recognize that deluded crap as soon as it's spewing out someone's mouth. He's told me he doesn't drink coffee, yet, he drinks coffee. He has told me he doesn't watch that mindless crap on TV, yet he was asking me if TV was available at the house he was in. I should have just asked him point blank if he was shootin' heroin, which I'm sure he would have said "No", which would have been the exact opposite answer anyway, because he's a walking contradiction of a human being.
Listening to his perceptions on his own chosen religious faith, Orthodox Judaism, was a total delusion, for his basic knowledge of their history was so off the mark when it came to basic facts, I was finding myself wanting to point out his erroneous "facts", but realized that his delusions were a mark of his personality in general. Narcissists commonly hide behind organized religion, using and twisting it to excuse their own irrational and warped behaviors, because in essence, they really don't understand the history, doctrines or tenets of the beliefs- their motive is based in grandiose thought processes, not in true devotion. Don't forget the fact, he, the narcissist, in his mind, believes that he is holier than thou, if not one of the true chosen. This is a person that has converted to Orthodox Judaism and claims that Jews believe in large families to propagate for the sole purpose of replacing those that were lost during the holocaust. When that statement came pouring out of his mouth, I was just chomping at the bit to start tearing into his real knowledge of the Torah, because that is not the tenet of the Jewish faith defining "going forth and multiplying". The Talmud defines it simply to mean that every Jewish man should father at least one boy and one girl. Judaism, does in fact, accept birth control in various forms, including the use of the pill. It does discourage the use of condoms, except to prevent the spread of STD's. I could have cleaned his collective clock on religious beliefs if I really wanted to expend the energy, I was distracted with the fact that his personality was too bizarre to worry about intelligent debate and ripping religious doctrine into shreds.
Narcissists are also commonly engaged in drug and/or alcohol abuse, it's just another behavior to minimize their fragile self-esteem. It was evident immediately that Dan was still using and found himself in an environment that wasn't feeding his addictions and it was only a matter of time before he would have found a way to obtain what he wanted. I just don't have time for that. Nor, do I have time to play "rehab center".
Dan was also very secretive and evasive about his history, family and other real facts about his present situation, when a normal person would have been more candid- not working at hiding simple truths or giving out vague answers. He had nothing negative to say about his "children", even embellishing their accomplishments, of course those were due to his "exemplary parenting skills". These stories were obviously half-truths, in fact I'd be willing to bet that they were simply delusions of grandeur on his part- because as the hours went by, more and more came out from him and he's starting to denigrate them to some degree. Especially the youngest, who (I found this out to be fact after he left) is 25.
Before he arrived here, during our conversations about what was going on in his life (I'm still kicking myself for ever, ever suggesting he come here for help, because all the signs of a fragmented 'story' are blatantly obvious), he had told me about his daughter in Albuquerque, who is supposedly graduating from Nursing School at UNM this year. I specifically stated that it was important that I had some contact information for his family members, for emergency purposes, since he was coming here. Trust me, the drugs that are used for treatment of Hepatitis C will invariably cause some type of event, physical or mental. So, I was prodding him to provide family contact information.
Some of the correspondence was as follows:
Dan: My family didn't know my condition neither did anyone in NYC except my Rabbi. (first clue, I wasn't paying attention) This dude literally got to end stage liver disease, due to HepC and he has kept this from his own children, family and WTF? How the hell does one end up in end stage liver disease and hide the real cause? I realize that the disease is highly stigmatized, but this is just a bit strange.
I reply in an email: Your brother doesn't know? NONE of your family knows that you have thisdisease?
Sorry, I just find this a bit difficult to comprehend- of course, when I first asked him, "What's up with this new liver deal?", all he chose to tell me is he had liver cancer, only telling me the truth about his true health problem came to light when I told him about my ordeal with treatment and clearing the virus. Of course, I wasn't buying the "liver cancer" story, only because 10% of patients in need of liver transplantation for liver cancer alone, will get one and they're reserved for patients with small cell tumors- the leading cause of liver transplantation is Hepatitis C and it is the leading cause of liver cancer. I can add 2 and 2, I still come up with 4.
I'm still not getting the clue that I really need, because the emails (I still review them) were getting just plain uh, weird. I'm pushing him to at least send me contact information for immediate family, not so I can call them and tell them what a wonderful, stupid altruist I am, but so I'd have them on file in case of an emergency. He states this several emails later, which none of them were focused on the situation at hand, a day or two before he's scheduled to fly here:
"I've told those who matter that I'm leaving on a very special trip and try to explain the situation in a vague sort of fashion."
I'm really astounded at this strange "secrecy" that surrounds this plan of action, what he's been offered, etc; not to mention he has never informed his own children of his serious disease. The only thing I'm NOT worried about at this point is the fact I know we are not going to literally finance his medical care.
Finally, he starts coming forth with some immediate family contact information, emailing me his daughter's phone number and email address.
"Please call my daughter in the p.m. as she will be out all day. Also please try to emphasise our friendship because I did."
I call, per his request- I email, the email bounces- she never, ever returned my call. Geez, like maybe there's a reason for this? Some real caring children he has and I'm still not "getting it". The weirdness of that request was odd, though. I don't really feel a need to explain anything to anyone about what is trying to be accomplished here, especially when he's telling me on the phone, "My daughter doesn't know about the Hepatitis C, so don't say anything" So, like what the heck am I supposed to tell this young woman? I'm bringing your father here because I have nothing better to do, a ton of money to blow and because I've not seen him in 34 years, I just thought I'd be nice and my husband and I will let him live in our house, rent-free just because we're nice people? Yeah, I'm starting to realize that maybe all of this is a very foolish idea. He's too secretive and manipulative. He's trying to direct the show here and my hackles are raised.
I should have canceled that flight, right then and there. And of course, it all came to light that were explained in detail in my previous posts and things continued to be validated even AFTER he was sent to NYC.
I'm home, I'm going to lay down and chill out- the mental exhaustion is overwhelming and I need to literally clear my head. I rest for a while, go outside to commune with my flock of young chickens and ducks that I raised this spring, hang out with the Queen of the Universe, too. I have to say, when one's brain is on overload and you need to get back to what is basic, go hang out with some animals. That will bring you right back down to what life is really all about.
I come back in the house for a while, check email and there's a message on my phone. It's the Seattle Police, just leaving a message that his laptop was shipped on the 8th. Okay, no need to call them. I go back out for a while, piddle around in the flower bed, which is in dire need of weeding. I come back in and there is another message- from the mother of Dan's youngest son. She leaves a number, I give her the courtesy of a return call and inform her that Dan is on his way to NYC. What I don't tell her is the real circumstances and she gives me an earful. She's nice and I reciprocate in a mature, friendly manner. Everything I suspected is validated- yes, he was shooting heroin when he was in Albuquerque, yes, he was blowing his entire SSI check on it, she tried helping him, too. She also states, "He was staying at his brother's trailer and he would call me to tell me he didn't like being alone, so I would go over and fix him some food to eat, watch TV with him". She also added, "All my Uncles were junkies and Dan never fooled me, he was into it every time he was here- he was into it when he lived in Seattle and probably in New York". I'm getting quite an earful. But, I'm not surprised in the least and really relieved that he's gone from my world. So, to summarize, I was onto it like flies on a cowpie. I just wasn't paying attention because that evil altruistic side of me needed a valuable lesson.
Husband and I go over to the other house, to feed the cats and check things out in the place. I had bought him food he chose, simple basic items- there is a container of yogurt on the floor, open. Only 2 eggs out of the dozen I gave him on day two are gone. Fresh ear corn is in the fridge, drying up. I strip the bedding, collect the towels, find he's left a pair of pants and a shirt. There is a small mirror with no frame beside the bed. My imagination goes into overtime and I'm ready to hurl chunks, my husband verbalizes exactly what I was thinking. I can't even laugh, because he's probably correct.
2 more days pass and no word from Dan- no email with a forwarding address, no phone call (thankfully so). I email on Thursday night, telling him his laptop arrived on Tuesday, if I don't hear something from him by this weekend, I will return it to the Seattle Police and he can deal with them to get it back. He replies the next morning, claiming "You sound upset". Wow, I can't imagine where he pulled that out of. He also states he'll send me an address that afternoon. I believe he told me time and time again that he had an apartment in NYC, in his "community" of Orthodox Jews. Now, he's got to figure out an address to use. Okay. I get it. I'm sure he got there and had to go score some smack, after all, he was sure on the fritz here in the cornfields of Iowa. It's only been 3 days since he arrived. I email back, "fine, just get your act together and the laptop with some of your other things you left will be shipped on Monday". He replies again, adding in: The question is, why didn't you let me know on Tuesday that you had received the laptop? He also includes someone's address, another name with "c/o" to him on it.
Narcissists have a weird sense of time, add in the fact that everything is about them, or they try and make it about them, their superiority complex thrown in the mix to add to the confusion and no doubt the dude has been spending the last few days scoring and getting high, now it's my fault he wasn't contacted immediately when the package arrived here from Seattle on Tuesday, so I reply:
Dan,
It was left up to you on Monday to send me an address when you arrived wherever you landed. It seems to me that on Tuesday, you were still en route to NYC. I waited 2 more days to hear something out of you and you didn't respond until I emailed you.
So, projecting the responsibility of notifying you about the arrival of your laptop back onto me isn't working.
Yes, this is truly like coping with a 5 year old. And it's pissing me off. I have put his clothing (no, I didn't wash his pants and shirt, so slap me), the mirror and a jar of shoe polish, which oddly enough was "green" and he had black dress shoes. He must be freakin' color-blind on top of his other mental problems, for crying out loud, in the box, re-tape it all.
He emails back and sends me a DIFFERENT address, which when I google it, it's a public mail box center. Not a Post Office, one of those "mail drop" centers. This box is going UPS, I'm not spending the bucks on USPS, I'm not insuring it, I'm putting the first address he gave me as the return address, so if it gets lost, it goes back to whomever he gave me an address for and who knows if UPS delivers to drop boxes in New York City? Not my problem.......
I wait until Tuesday to send it. I have other things to do. Because on Saturday, things flipped.
She's not stupid, she takes the hint. I return her call as soon as we are back in the car, inform her how things went and that yes, he's on that bus. We project the idea he could change buses in Chicago and head back to Albuquerque, but whatever he does now is not my problem and she in complete agreement. We decide to keep in touch and I'll keep her informed if anything interesting occurs. And it does stay a bit interesting.
Dan is scheduled to arrive in NYC on the next day, at 11:25am. I'm just hoping that he stays on that bus.
I'm wiped out, I'm literally coming down from an emotionally stressful "trip" of 5 long days of hearing nothing but deluded garbage, observing some really odd behavior, watching someone who can't handle being left alone for any length of time, as he slowly starts coming apart at the seams.
I've also had to examine my own motives and what led up to this experience- which led right back to Altruism and my own need for a sense of accomplishment or feeling good about "giving back", which would have never amounted to anything close to what my intentions truly were. Yes, I spent a terrible amount of time beating myself up, feeling ashamed- for bringing this situation to my life, home, family and community. The lesson was invaluable and I won't repeat anything like that ever again.
Listening to someone consistently contradicting their own values and ideas was a huge drain on my own energy. I have a farily decent memory of the past and don't appreciate someone telling me they remember something that I did that never occurred. I find that exceptionally unacceptable. I had a mother that pulled the same garbage on me most of my adult life and I recognize that deluded crap as soon as it's spewing out someone's mouth. He's told me he doesn't drink coffee, yet, he drinks coffee. He has told me he doesn't watch that mindless crap on TV, yet he was asking me if TV was available at the house he was in. I should have just asked him point blank if he was shootin' heroin, which I'm sure he would have said "No", which would have been the exact opposite answer anyway, because he's a walking contradiction of a human being.
Listening to his perceptions on his own chosen religious faith, Orthodox Judaism, was a total delusion, for his basic knowledge of their history was so off the mark when it came to basic facts, I was finding myself wanting to point out his erroneous "facts", but realized that his delusions were a mark of his personality in general. Narcissists commonly hide behind organized religion, using and twisting it to excuse their own irrational and warped behaviors, because in essence, they really don't understand the history, doctrines or tenets of the beliefs- their motive is based in grandiose thought processes, not in true devotion. Don't forget the fact, he, the narcissist, in his mind, believes that he is holier than thou, if not one of the true chosen. This is a person that has converted to Orthodox Judaism and claims that Jews believe in large families to propagate for the sole purpose of replacing those that were lost during the holocaust. When that statement came pouring out of his mouth, I was just chomping at the bit to start tearing into his real knowledge of the Torah, because that is not the tenet of the Jewish faith defining "going forth and multiplying". The Talmud defines it simply to mean that every Jewish man should father at least one boy and one girl. Judaism, does in fact, accept birth control in various forms, including the use of the pill. It does discourage the use of condoms, except to prevent the spread of STD's. I could have cleaned his collective clock on religious beliefs if I really wanted to expend the energy, I was distracted with the fact that his personality was too bizarre to worry about intelligent debate and ripping religious doctrine into shreds.
Narcissists are also commonly engaged in drug and/or alcohol abuse, it's just another behavior to minimize their fragile self-esteem. It was evident immediately that Dan was still using and found himself in an environment that wasn't feeding his addictions and it was only a matter of time before he would have found a way to obtain what he wanted. I just don't have time for that. Nor, do I have time to play "rehab center".
Dan was also very secretive and evasive about his history, family and other real facts about his present situation, when a normal person would have been more candid- not working at hiding simple truths or giving out vague answers. He had nothing negative to say about his "children", even embellishing their accomplishments, of course those were due to his "exemplary parenting skills". These stories were obviously half-truths, in fact I'd be willing to bet that they were simply delusions of grandeur on his part- because as the hours went by, more and more came out from him and he's starting to denigrate them to some degree. Especially the youngest, who (I found this out to be fact after he left) is 25.
Before he arrived here, during our conversations about what was going on in his life (I'm still kicking myself for ever, ever suggesting he come here for help, because all the signs of a fragmented 'story' are blatantly obvious), he had told me about his daughter in Albuquerque, who is supposedly graduating from Nursing School at UNM this year. I specifically stated that it was important that I had some contact information for his family members, for emergency purposes, since he was coming here. Trust me, the drugs that are used for treatment of Hepatitis C will invariably cause some type of event, physical or mental. So, I was prodding him to provide family contact information.
Some of the correspondence was as follows:
Dan: My family didn't know my condition neither did anyone in NYC except my Rabbi. (first clue, I wasn't paying attention) This dude literally got to end stage liver disease, due to HepC and he has kept this from his own children, family and WTF? How the hell does one end up in end stage liver disease and hide the real cause? I realize that the disease is highly stigmatized, but this is just a bit strange.
I reply in an email: Your brother doesn't know? NONE of your family knows that you have thisdisease?
Sorry, I just find this a bit difficult to comprehend- of course, when I first asked him, "What's up with this new liver deal?", all he chose to tell me is he had liver cancer, only telling me the truth about his true health problem came to light when I told him about my ordeal with treatment and clearing the virus. Of course, I wasn't buying the "liver cancer" story, only because 10% of patients in need of liver transplantation for liver cancer alone, will get one and they're reserved for patients with small cell tumors- the leading cause of liver transplantation is Hepatitis C and it is the leading cause of liver cancer. I can add 2 and 2, I still come up with 4.
I'm still not getting the clue that I really need, because the emails (I still review them) were getting just plain uh, weird. I'm pushing him to at least send me contact information for immediate family, not so I can call them and tell them what a wonderful, stupid altruist I am, but so I'd have them on file in case of an emergency. He states this several emails later, which none of them were focused on the situation at hand, a day or two before he's scheduled to fly here:
"I've told those who matter that I'm leaving on a very special trip and try to explain the situation in a vague sort of fashion."
I'm really astounded at this strange "secrecy" that surrounds this plan of action, what he's been offered, etc; not to mention he has never informed his own children of his serious disease. The only thing I'm NOT worried about at this point is the fact I know we are not going to literally finance his medical care.
Finally, he starts coming forth with some immediate family contact information, emailing me his daughter's phone number and email address.
"Please call my daughter in the p.m. as she will be out all day. Also please try to emphasise our friendship because I did."
I call, per his request- I email, the email bounces- she never, ever returned my call. Geez, like maybe there's a reason for this? Some real caring children he has and I'm still not "getting it". The weirdness of that request was odd, though. I don't really feel a need to explain anything to anyone about what is trying to be accomplished here, especially when he's telling me on the phone, "My daughter doesn't know about the Hepatitis C, so don't say anything" So, like what the heck am I supposed to tell this young woman? I'm bringing your father here because I have nothing better to do, a ton of money to blow and because I've not seen him in 34 years, I just thought I'd be nice and my husband and I will let him live in our house, rent-free just because we're nice people? Yeah, I'm starting to realize that maybe all of this is a very foolish idea. He's too secretive and manipulative. He's trying to direct the show here and my hackles are raised.
I should have canceled that flight, right then and there. And of course, it all came to light that were explained in detail in my previous posts and things continued to be validated even AFTER he was sent to NYC.
I'm home, I'm going to lay down and chill out- the mental exhaustion is overwhelming and I need to literally clear my head. I rest for a while, go outside to commune with my flock of young chickens and ducks that I raised this spring, hang out with the Queen of the Universe, too. I have to say, when one's brain is on overload and you need to get back to what is basic, go hang out with some animals. That will bring you right back down to what life is really all about.
I come back in the house for a while, check email and there's a message on my phone. It's the Seattle Police, just leaving a message that his laptop was shipped on the 8th. Okay, no need to call them. I go back out for a while, piddle around in the flower bed, which is in dire need of weeding. I come back in and there is another message- from the mother of Dan's youngest son. She leaves a number, I give her the courtesy of a return call and inform her that Dan is on his way to NYC. What I don't tell her is the real circumstances and she gives me an earful. She's nice and I reciprocate in a mature, friendly manner. Everything I suspected is validated- yes, he was shooting heroin when he was in Albuquerque, yes, he was blowing his entire SSI check on it, she tried helping him, too. She also states, "He was staying at his brother's trailer and he would call me to tell me he didn't like being alone, so I would go over and fix him some food to eat, watch TV with him". She also added, "All my Uncles were junkies and Dan never fooled me, he was into it every time he was here- he was into it when he lived in Seattle and probably in New York". I'm getting quite an earful. But, I'm not surprised in the least and really relieved that he's gone from my world. So, to summarize, I was onto it like flies on a cowpie. I just wasn't paying attention because that evil altruistic side of me needed a valuable lesson.
Husband and I go over to the other house, to feed the cats and check things out in the place. I had bought him food he chose, simple basic items- there is a container of yogurt on the floor, open. Only 2 eggs out of the dozen I gave him on day two are gone. Fresh ear corn is in the fridge, drying up. I strip the bedding, collect the towels, find he's left a pair of pants and a shirt. There is a small mirror with no frame beside the bed. My imagination goes into overtime and I'm ready to hurl chunks, my husband verbalizes exactly what I was thinking. I can't even laugh, because he's probably correct.
2 more days pass and no word from Dan- no email with a forwarding address, no phone call (thankfully so). I email on Thursday night, telling him his laptop arrived on Tuesday, if I don't hear something from him by this weekend, I will return it to the Seattle Police and he can deal with them to get it back. He replies the next morning, claiming "You sound upset". Wow, I can't imagine where he pulled that out of. He also states he'll send me an address that afternoon. I believe he told me time and time again that he had an apartment in NYC, in his "community" of Orthodox Jews. Now, he's got to figure out an address to use. Okay. I get it. I'm sure he got there and had to go score some smack, after all, he was sure on the fritz here in the cornfields of Iowa. It's only been 3 days since he arrived. I email back, "fine, just get your act together and the laptop with some of your other things you left will be shipped on Monday". He replies again, adding in: The question is, why didn't you let me know on Tuesday that you had received the laptop? He also includes someone's address, another name with "c/o" to him on it.
Narcissists have a weird sense of time, add in the fact that everything is about them, or they try and make it about them, their superiority complex thrown in the mix to add to the confusion and no doubt the dude has been spending the last few days scoring and getting high, now it's my fault he wasn't contacted immediately when the package arrived here from Seattle on Tuesday, so I reply:
Dan,
It was left up to you on Monday to send me an address when you arrived wherever you landed. It seems to me that on Tuesday, you were still en route to NYC. I waited 2 more days to hear something out of you and you didn't respond until I emailed you.
So, projecting the responsibility of notifying you about the arrival of your laptop back onto me isn't working.
Yes, this is truly like coping with a 5 year old. And it's pissing me off. I have put his clothing (no, I didn't wash his pants and shirt, so slap me), the mirror and a jar of shoe polish, which oddly enough was "green" and he had black dress shoes. He must be freakin' color-blind on top of his other mental problems, for crying out loud, in the box, re-tape it all.
He emails back and sends me a DIFFERENT address, which when I google it, it's a public mail box center. Not a Post Office, one of those "mail drop" centers. This box is going UPS, I'm not spending the bucks on USPS, I'm not insuring it, I'm putting the first address he gave me as the return address, so if it gets lost, it goes back to whomever he gave me an address for and who knows if UPS delivers to drop boxes in New York City? Not my problem.......
I wait until Tuesday to send it. I have other things to do. Because on Saturday, things flipped.
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